A Room With An Alan
Knowing Me Knowing You has
been ended and Alan now hosts Up With The Partridge, the
early morning show on Radio Norwich.
Carol has abandoned him in favour of a fitness instructor,
he is living in the Linton Travel
Tavern and his car has been sprayed with rude graffiti.
Alan is desperate to return to TV
so he can afford a flash new house but he fails to impress
BBC chief commissioner Tony Hayers
(David Schneider) with programme ideas such as Lady Parts,
Alan Attack, Knowing ME, Knowing
You and Monkey Tennis. Distraught, he resorts to attacking
Hayers with some Stilton cheese.
Alan Attraction
Facing impending bankruptcy, Alan
has to give up his Rover 800 and is forced to drive a Mini
Metro instead. Then he has to sack
everyone at his company Peartree Productions but rather
than admit he failed to secure a
second series, he finds trivial reasons to get rid of them.
He takes his secretary Jill (Julia
Deakin ) out for a Valentine’s Day trip to an owl sanctuary
and a meal. They end up in bed,
but it all gets very messy and she is fired, too.
Watership Alan
Alan upsets Norfolk farmers with
remarks about BSE to his guest on This Morning’s Farmer and
he upsets Lynn when his skimpy shorts
fail to keep everything in. And he’s upset about an £8
item on his bill until Sophie explains
it was for Bangkok Chickboys that he watched, for fifteen
minutes, by mistake, on the adult
TV channel (“It’s complicated”). Alan is hired by Steve (Simon
Pegg) and Hugh (Peter Baynham) to
make a corporate video for Hamiltons Waterbreaks but filming
is hampered by protesting farmers
after he refuses to apologise to the Norfolk NFU’s Peter
Baxendale-Thomas (Chris Morris).
Basic Alan
As Alan is the only guest, Linton
Travel Tavern closes for the weekend for redecoration. He's
so bored he rings his son Fernando,
dismantles the Corby trouser press and drives round and
round the ring road. Back at the
motel, he catches the staff doing cruel imitations of him, but
tries to show he’s game for a laugh
by preparing a prank of his own. That leads to embarrassment
but there's worse to come when Alan
has a run-in with the police.
To Kill A Mocking Alan
Alan tries to impress Aidan Walsh
(Graham Linehan) and Paul Tool (Arthur Mathews) – two
executives from Irish TV – by staging
a pilot version of a new chat show idea at the Linton
Travel Tavern. Sue Cook is lined
up as his star guest, but she pulls out, leaving Alan to answer
questions from the audience, demonstrate
how to shoot terrorists and flog his exclusive badge
and tie sets. When the executives
want to go back to Alan’s house to discuss ideas, Alan is
helped – then hindered – by his
biggest fan Jed Maxwell (Ian Sharrock).
Towering Alan
Alan makes a special appearance
at the Swaffham Country Fayre (where he uses the PA
system to rant, ignored, against
BBC chief commissioner Tony Hayers). Back at the Linton
Travel Tavern, Sue Cook phones with
some good news: Hayers has died in a fall, while fiddling
with his TV aerial (how ironic).
Alan can hardly contain his glee at the funeral, especially when
he gets some encouraging signals
from Hayers' replacement, the old-school, hard-drinking
Chris Feather (Constantine Gregory). |
The Talented Mr Alan
Kettles are 'sad' and the BP Service
Station is the new pub. Alan goes to his 'local' to chat
to old friend Michael over a Flavia
frothy cappuccino. Alan has a chance meeting with and
old teacher, Frank 'Sweaty' Raphael.
Alan agrees to give a talk at his old school.
Alan attempts to renegotiate his
deal with Meteor Video and, in the process, learns what
'water sports' are. At the presentation
to old school Alan bumps into old classmate Phil Wiley,
now head of languages there. Old
enmities are inflamed and the two end up in a hot-apple-pie
showdown at the BP station.
The Colour of Alan
Alan is to present a sales conference
for Dante's of Reading, the Ferrari of the coal effect fire
industry. After a book signing in
Norwich Railway Station (buy the book and get a free Danko
Nightstick torch - as seen in The
X Files!), Alan meets with Dante's Piet Morant to discuss the
conference. Someone has stolen Michael's
front door so Alan kindly allows him to stay in his
unfinished house. Alan attempts
to break climb over the fence at Choristers after forgetting his
security pass. He pierces his foot
on the railings. Despite loosing about a pint of blood and vomiting
violently he is determined to do
the conference.
Brave Alan
Alan makes a new friend at the B.P.
station: Dan Moody. Dan owns Planet Kitchen, 10,000 square
feet of sheer kitchens. Alan and
Dan both love Directors Bitter, use Lynx deodorant and drive Lexi
(plural for Luxus). Through Dan,
Alan is introduced to the elite of Norfolk; specifically Mike Yapley,
owner of Car Supermarket on the
a47 and Karen Colman of mustard fame. Alan visits Dan and his
wife Ceri at their palatial Norwich
mansion. The new friendship is sorely tested when Ceri let’s her
wandering hand get within 30mm from
Alan’s ‘gland’ and Dan puts on a video of him and the wife
having sex on a kitchen surface.
Never Say Alan Again
Alan is planning a bank holiday
weekend watching every single James Bond film back to back.
Alan intended to share this special
time with petrol-vending friend, Michael. Alan smoulders with
jealousy upon finding out Michael
has other friends, in particular ‘Tex’ (real name Terry) who loves
all things American. Michael is
quickly un-invited to the Bond-fest and Alan homes in on John the
Builder. Lynn seems to have a boyfriend,
ex-copper Gordon. He orders Alan to treat his PA with
a good deal more consideration.
Alan is thus unexpectedly restrained when Lynn spills two jugs
of Sunny Delight on his entire Bond
collection.
I Know What Alan Did Last Summer
Alan has two big problems. Firstly
he is being inspected by the Inland Revenue. Secondly,
girlfriend Sonja has been going
a bit mad with the gift giving. She keeps buying Alan Beefeater
Bears, toy London cabs, toy buses,
even a Marble Arch cake. On the upside, Sonja makes a
pretty good full English breakfast
(beans a bit close to the egg but otherwise superb). Things
go really bad when Sonja insists
on meeting Alan's 'old friend' Bono from U2. Lynn improvises.
Using her late mother's cataract
glasses and a friend from her Baptist church, she manages to
rustle up an almost convincing Bono
Vox. Sadly Sonja isn't fooled. In this episode we also find
Alan close to a decision on naming
his new house.
Alan Wide Shut
Despite his new house being ready
to move in to, Alan is on edge. 14,000 surplus copies of his
book Bouncing Back are to be pulped
and he's very sensitive about it. Worse, everyone seems
to be buying books about East End
Gangsters, especially one called 'Bad Slags'.
Alan is a guest on Prayer Wave,
a show on Talk Cambridge. The Host dares to point out that
there is a lot of unresolved bitterness
in Alan's book, evident in oft used phrase '...needless to say,
I had the last laugh' (actually
used 14 times). The highlight of the day is Lynn's baptism at
Sprowston Baptist Church. Alan makes
a rather ill-judged speech which involves miming a
suicide by shotgun. After this,
all that remains to do is visit the industrial plant where Bouncing
Back is to be pulped. Even
though the 14,000 books end up looking like 'word porridge' - at
least the process has a certain
dignity. |